im six kinds of drunk right now
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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