Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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