Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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