I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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