im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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