You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
