i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
