I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
