watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize