I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
