do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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