I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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