Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
