so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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