i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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