alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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