mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My hand turned me down
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
im holly from the hills drunk
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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