Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
