i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
