It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
