mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
