She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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