I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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