my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
