Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
