I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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