I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Randomize
