HIV tests are more positive than that guy
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
