Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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