You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
