Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize