I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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