My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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