I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
