I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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