who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
