1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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