Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
