birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
