If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
