I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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