Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize