We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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