the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize