I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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