I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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