at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
