The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
