My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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