now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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