i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
