masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
