Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
