Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
