Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize