Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
