Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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