I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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