I'm so fucking centered right now
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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