i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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