we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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